Not Yours To Carry

The rich young ruler and the dignity of choice

I’ve been thinking a lot about responsibility and control recently.

Here’s a quick look at a story that stands out, look at how Jesus handles this moment with the rich young man…

Matthew 19:16-22 (NIV)

Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, ‘Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?’

‘Why do you ask me about what is good?’ Jesus replied. ‘There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.’

 ‘Which ones?’ he enquired.

Jesus replied, ‘“You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honour your father and mother,” and “love your neighbour as yourself.”’

 ‘All these I have kept,’ the young man said. ‘What do I still lack?’

Jesus answered, ‘If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Put yourself in Jesus’ shoes, as you watch the young man walk away, the one you will willingly die for, what would you have done? Chased after him, re-explained yourself, changed your answer, begged him to come back? After all Jesus loved this man, and it surely broke his heart to see him walk away.

But look at his response. Jesus didn't chase after him, didn't argue, didn't soften the message to make it easier to swallow, didn’t beat himself up for not doing well enough. He simply told him the truth, gave the young man the chance to make a decision, and then he let him go. He loved him well because he gave him the dignity of choice.

I don’t think I would have responded in the same way - in fact I know I often don’t respond in the same way. I’d like to think I respect people’s choices, but sometimes my own feelings get in the way, and I try too hard to convince someone to see things from my perspective, or believe what I believe, or change their mind. 

Sometimes it’s because I love them, and would rather they choose what I think is the better path. Whether it is actually a better path or not is a different question. Other times though, it’s because their walking away has hit on one of my own insecurities. 

Notice that Jesus doesn’t define himself based on the young man’s response. He knows the man’s response isn’t in his control, Jesus has simply been faithful in playing his part in the story by telling the truth. I’ll just say, this is a hard one as a preacher. I have to remind myself, I’m only asked to preach the word. I cannot control the outcome. If salvation or transformation or healing happens, that’s between God and the person, not me. It certainly doesn’t mean I preached better on the day someone responds to the call to follow Jesus compared to a day when no one does. 

That doesn’t mean I’m not diligent and faithful in my message prep, it just means I know my position in the story. I don’t save, God does. And Jesus knew this. He answered truthfully, the rest of the story was up to the young man. 

What we're actually responsible for

All of this has made me very reflective on the idea of responsibility and control, and what that looks like in the Kingdom of God. Jesus knew what his responsibility was in that moment: to tell the truth. The outcome wasn't his to control. I think that’s how we’re invited to live when we follow Jesus.

As I’m sure you know but, like me, maybe forget, we can never control the outcome. In fact, the only control we're ever asked to have is self-control. And even that is a fruit of the Spirit. It's a consequence of the Spirit dwelling in us and doing his work. It's not something we manufacture. So even our self-control is ultimately from God.

And all of this means I can't control God either. I can't set up a formula that guarantees a response. If I think I can - if I think that being holy enough or praying the right things will get God to do what I want - then I'm trusting the formula more than I'm trusting God. That's not faith, when I’m thinking those things it actually feels more like superstition.

When prayer starts to feel like superstition

When I was little, before I ever went to church, I used to pray every night, God keep my family safe, and my friends safe, and their families and their friends safe, and their families and their friends safe”. If the five degrees of separation thing is true then I’d basically unknowingly cover the whole world. It felt like if I said the right things in the right order, I'd placate this distant God up there. Say the magic words and nothing bad would happen.

I grew out of that at some point, I can’t remember when or why. But being honest, some version of that thinking can creep back in, especially when it comes to prayer.

The weight of praying for people you love

Lately I've been finding prayer heavy. It started to feel like I was just arriving in God's presence with a list every single day - people who need healing, situations that need breakthrough, a list of people I hope will know Jesus one day - and I’ve been carrying all of it like it’s my responsibility to make sure I'd said it all out loud so God could move. Like if I missed someone off the list, I'd somehow failed them. So I’d start to pray, and I’d try to use the right words and say all the situations and people, because then I’d done my bit and God could do his.

But surely that isn’t the kind of relationship God invites us into? A say the right things and I’ll be good to you relationship? But I couldn’t get away from it - the people I love and the things they’re going through weigh on my heart. I have to do something with those feelings. Turning up with a list felt so dry but I was so overwhelmed I didn’t really feel I had much capacity for anything else. 

I’ll get to where I’m at now, which is in a much better place, but first just a quick word on responsibility and control. What does responsibility and control look like in prayer? If I can’t control anyone and certainly not God, but I’ve also been given the responsibility to love people well, which includes praying for them?

It looks like simply acknowledging that I’ve been invited, yes invited, to play a part in the story. I’ve been given the responsibility to love people well, and that means praying for people, and that means my prayers make a difference - after all the prayers of a righteous person are powerful and effective (James 5:16). I’m invited to play a part, whilst also acknowledging that I don’t have the ultimate responsibility and certainly can’t control the outcome. What a funny tension we’re asked to hold as followers Jesus - it isn’t my prayer that changes a situation, and yet when I pray situations change. It’s part of the mystery of faith. We aren’t asked to understand it, we’re just invited to play a part in it.

I’m aware of how easy it is to slip into pride when prayers are answered, and discouragement when they aren’t answered. Do you find that? When we know our role though, it becomes easier to avoid those traps. We’re invited to stop defining ourselves or our performance based on the outcome and simply ask the question: am I being faithful? That’s the only bit I control.

Sitting under the waterfall 

I was talking about this with my spiritual director recently. And she gave me this image that helped:

We can’t control God. He isn’t a formula. Sometimes prayers are answered in the way we expect, sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes we feel like we really meet with God in prayer, sometimes he feels distant.

She said it's like sitting under a waterfall. Sometimes the water falls, and sometimes it doesn't. You can't control whether it does or not. All you can do is position yourself under it and be present when it does. You might be there one time and nothing happens. Another time, it falls and you're right there to receive it. And you can't know in advance which it will be. That's the mystery of it. But the more you sit there, the more likely you’ll be to experience the water falling.

And so I think that's what it's like with God too. The theme for a lot of the most recent episodes has unintentionally been looking at ways we can be okay with not understanding everything. With holding mystery. His ways aren't our ways. At some point he may choose to speak, to move, to answer — and the only bit we’re responsible for is our position when he does. Are we attentive? Are we receiving? Are we listening?

That's helped lessen the burden of responsibility I feel in prayer. But there was still the issue of turning up with a list.

A simpler way to pray 

I was at my spiritual direction training recently, spending a day at a retreat centre with a beautiful abbey. They have three services throughout the day and time for prayer at the end of each. I remember the first time I was there, and it shocked me how simple their prayers were. The person leading the service would simply say, “today we're holding Jo in prayer, who is going through a difficult time right now”. There’d be a moment of silence. And then they'd move on to the next request.

As someone from a Pentecostal background, I'm used to asking and declaring. There's nothing wrong with that - I still believe in it. But this was different, and I found it genuinely releasing. There was something in the simplicity of it. God knows it all doesn’t he? According to Psalm 139 he knows every thought, every word before it’s even on your tongue. 

So for now I’m approaching prayer a bit differently. When carrying people in prayer is feeling too much, I just imagine being with Jesus - or however the Trinity comes to mind when I’m praying - and then I simply invite that person into that space. I hold them before God, trust that he sees them, trust that he knows what they need, and then invite the next person. It might sound a bit odd, but it’s moved me from a list I read out to God, to an experience with God where I can trust him with the people I love. It’s really releasing.

I’ve gone all kinds of places over the last 10 minutes but the main encouragement I want to leave you with is this: we don't carry ultimate responsibility, God does. We're just invited into the story. We can’t control the outcome, can’t control the person, can’t control God, but we can trust Him to know what is best.

We are responsible for our position, not the outcome.

Question

I wonder if there's something in that for you this week? Here’s our question to finish:

Where have you been carrying something that was never yours to carry? 

Prayer

Let’s pray.

Father God we thank you that you are the one who is in control, who loves more deeply than we could ever love. Thank you that your yoke is easy and your burden is light - for those of us who are feeling weighed down today, would you help us to take off our heavy burdens, and receive your yoke instead. We love you Lord. In the precious name of Jesus, amen.